porn sucks

I had the urge to leave my family and call date hotlines and find some phone sex or sexting.  I was gone for 7 hours.  I do good for awhile and then I give in.  Satan knows how to get me when I'm stressed.  I have anxiety so he knows I'm already prone to give in.  So, I left.  Talked to a couple girls on the phone.  One of them sent pictures back and forth.  had phone sex with one.  When I was done I wondered if it was worth it.  I don't get to hold or touch them.  I dont' get to do any of that.  I have a fmily at home.  I have a wife at home waiting to talk to me.  When I get home and walk through the door she beats the living crap out of me.  I deserve it.  someone reading this needs to know that 1 picture, 1 search, 1 thought will lead you down a road of destruction.  DON"T DO IT! 
Now on to another topic.  I read a blog the other day about a girl whose husband had a similar problem and she talked about how she was seeing the YM coming out of priesthood and she was wondering if every one of them was looking at porn, or doing something they aren't supposed to.  To her I say this, We all have trials in our lives and for some reason there are people, even good LDS people, who have this problem.  I feel so bad for the pain she had to go through and sad her husband didn't want to change.  But she needs to know there are good people out there in the LDS church that honor their priesthood, fulfull their callings and never have a problem with this horrible addiction.  Not every man in the church is like her ex-husband.  I am so sorry for her!
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do to break this addiction.  Whoever is out there struggling with this needs to know there's hope.  I know someday I will be free of this.  I know the temptations will be there, but I can overcome this.  If you are struggling with this or know someone who is the best thing you can do is put your arm around them and let them know you're thinking of them and give them support....stop by and chat with them, send a card. 
I end this post on day 2.  I work to save my marriage and grow closer to God!

I HATE LOSING

This addiction really sucks!

Society teaches men that it's okay to look at women, it's okay to have sex whenever you feel like it, it's okay to look at women as objects.

It's not okay.  It destroys people and families.

A little background:

I'm LDS and in our religion we beleive that you shouldn't masturbate...EVER, look at porn, and that you should only have sex when you are married.

Society teaches a whole different story.

I'm addicted to porn.

Every chance that I get, if someone leaves a computer unlocked, if I have access to internet on a phone, I find a way to look at it.

This is damning to me because the company I work for provides my phone!  I hope they will never find out or that I can STOP!

There have been many sleepless nights talking with my wife, me living with my grandparents.  I have an amazing counselor who tells me that when I'm tempted I need to imagine my wife being raped or someone kidnapping my kids.  This puts a man into warrior mode and will make him fight no matter what.

I have some rituals that I do every night.

1.  Border patrol:  I write about how Satan is going to get me to loose my next battle and what I am going to do to overcome that.  I have to come up with strategies to beat him. 

2.  I read scriptures with my family because it helps me have God in my life

3.  My counselor has set up a forum of men who are fighting also.  I write every night and we give eachother our updates.  It's awesome because I feel like I'm not the only one going through it, we give eachother support, and it gives me accountability.

I lost yesterday.  I hate losing because my wife always finds out and she goes through emotions and has questions about why I do it and why I don't choose her.  She has to realize that it's not her.  This is an addiction.  No matter what she looks like I would still have this addiction!

What we dont' realize is that this destroys people.  You look at it once and you're hooked.  We're letting the porn industry win.  I hope this blog will help people realize the pain that this addiction causes to you and your family.

I pray that I can overcome this and help people who are going through this same problem!  If I don't my wife is going to say enough is enough and I will lose my family.